Michigan girl [living a] Military Life

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I'm frustrated and I'm trying so hard not to be. I know that if I need help to just say something, but I shouldn't HAVE to say 'I need help.' Like seriously...this is your child too. Instead my frustration is shown to my son. NO! Do NOT get that confused with taken out on my son!!! I would never put my hands on my child in an abusive way. What I mean by that is he can sense my frustration and in turn, he acts on it. He feels frustrated, upset, sad etc. Everything that his mother is feeling....he starts to feel. So again...why don't I say something? Because I lack communication. I can't seem to get the words out right. I end up yelling or get even more frustrated and then he feels like I'm belittling him and then I feel guilty. So then the cycle continues. The only way I feel better I guess is by putting it down on 'paper'. I know he senses my frustration I just wish he would realize that its towards him. We've been together for 7 years, ...

PATTERN UPDATED ON 12/19/16 Yesterday, my facebook BLEW UP with friends posting a picture of a crocheted Beanie with a messy bun sticking out....on my wall asking "Can you make this?" "OMG! How much would you charge me if you made this?" "I would buy 3 of these if you made them" I woke up this morning determined to make something similar to this beanie. So I did. I only have a written pattern (down below) I have not made a photo pattern because I have a 3 month old and am surprised that I even finished it today. SO ENJOY THIS PATTERN AND FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR FINISHED PRODUCTS WITH ME OR ANY TIPS/TRICKS YOU DID ALONG THE WAY. Messy Bun Crochet Beanie Pattern--UPDATED 12/19/16 Materials Used Worsened Weight Yarn #4 5.5mm Hook Stitches Used Half Double Crochet-- HDC Double Crochet-- DC Treble Crochet-- TC Cross Stitch-- Skip st, Treble stitch in next st; Cross back going in front of Treble stitch just made, and Treble stitch in ...

Yes, I am! After six years, Alex and I were finally blessed with a little one. A little boy to be exact. We found out 4 days before Christmas 2015, and told our parents that night. It was their Christmas present. First Ultrasound was at 10 weeks. His heartbeat was 157 bpm and as much as I wanted a girl, I knew from the moment I saw the ultrasound he was a boy. Two weeks later...we let Lucky make the announcement to the world. After, the world knew..Alex and I made a trip to Michigan for the last time until the big move back in May. Once back in Kansas, Alex left for 7 weeks to recruiting school. When he left I was 14 weeks...when he came back I was 22 weeks. It was a huge difference. The nice thing about Alex coming home, besides the fact that I missed him terribly, was that that was the same week we would find out if we were Team Pink or Team Blue. The day of our 22 week ultrasound, I had to drink 1 Liter of water within a half hour 1 1/2 hours before my appointme...

I wrote this two days after Jake passed away, but wanted to share it with you all today...on the 1 year remembrance of his life taken from us.  I wanted to read it at the funeral, but in the midst of everything going on forgot to bring it with me. Some of these questions have been answered within this year, but the others will remain unanswered forever.  June 28, 2014 I can't believe you're gone! I'm still waiting for a facebook status/snapchat/text/call saying "Haha! I GOT YOU ALL!!" Let's face it Jake you were quite the jokester. I didn't realize how much of an impact you had on our ENTIRE TOWN until this happened. The person that killed you has NO IDEA the grief they caused. I hate this person with a passion and I would LOVE to seek revenge on them. An eye for an eye right? I know that would get me no where and would do more harm than good.  I never imagined I would experience the loss of my best friend...especially the loss of you. There a...

So the past few nights I've had problems falling asleep. I tried all the usual positions that tend to make me fall asleep. Nope. None worked. I found that it wasn't until I was talking with God, that I would fall asleep. Usually, I fell asleep while talking to him. Though I know he doesn't respond verbally I'm waiting for him to respond. I've always been strong in my faith of him, never doubted him, questioned some of his decisions with people I've lost, but all the while never lost faith. However, I never felt praying was necessary. When I was younger, I thought it was dumb to be honest let's recite these words and say Amen after them because that's clever. Okay, so maybe necessary isn't the term I should use...I never felt praying was useful...better? I never saw the point in "talking" to God without getting a verbal response...so I never did it. Due to the life changing events that have happened within the past six months (loss of my b...

Well first things first...(look at me dropping lyrics left and right from songs lol). Alex and I no longer reside in Colorado. He was transferred to Fort Riley in Kansas. After 7 long years he said good-bye to Fort Carson and finishing up his Army career here. There are a few things that I need to mention about this life changing event. The move, the house, the town, and Fort Riley. The Move Super hectic. I gave myself a month to pack everything just in case we weren't able to have the Army move us, which surprise surprise we couldn't. I didn't find that out until two weeks before we were to be out of the apartment. This is where I should have came up with a plan. Me and plans haven't always seen eye to eye. I would plan on packing this room up one day only to be distracted by another room that needed fixing or laundry folded so it could be packed or getting rid of those god awful clothes that I haven't wore in 6 months (only for them to be mixed up with the bags...

I've processed over and over what I would say when my manager would come to me and say "I'm terminating you." I thought I would start telling everyone that I didn't like off. Cussing them all out and giving them a piece of my mind. Another thought would be, that I start balling and just run out of the kitchen crying. Instead, I signed the paperwork walked out of the office with my head held high, said my goodbyes to the select few that I chose to say goodbye to and then left. It was a good three year run. The longest job I've ever had. It's a bittersweet ending that's for sure. On to a new chapter. I'm three weeks away from finishing school. Two months away from graduating, hopefully. Three months away from finding out where we will be living after Colorado and then hopefully come October, we'll be out of Colorado and can officially start a new beginning. I pray everyday for a better tomorrow. I keep my head held high with every thing that ...

Lost a diamond in my wedding/engagement/promise ring today =(. I’m not too happy about it. Walking around with a naked left ring finger sucks. I’m half tempted to go get my mom’s wedding rings out of the pawn shop (that I pawned 2 years ago) just so I don’t feel naked anymore. && because of his deployment preparation my husband is out in the field training at the moment with no cell service so I can’t tell him. I know its not the worse thing in the world, but I’m going crazy not having it. I don’t want to wear it in fear of losing the other stones and I have only somewhat of an idea of where my husband got the ring which was in Michigan. Damn.

Hubby is out in the field yet again..and I'm not content with this whatsoever. Our communication is lacking again and I hate it. I know it's because he is out there and has hardly any phone reception, firing a gun all day and now that he is a SGT his responsibilities have doubles I'm sure. I guess I still don't fully trust him all the way yet. I still have feelings that he's texting and calling the gerbil. The first step in communication is telling him this. I suppose I will tomorrow. That is all.

So I know everyone ... literally everyone ... has said that this year is going to be different for them. Well let's face it, no one will change. I, however, plan on it. I've already changed in a major way. I've gone an entire week without any nicotine and it wasn't as hard as I thought. I definitely thought the drive home was going to break me because I've always associated driving with smoking.  Back when I used to hide my smoking from everyone I would just get in the car and drive. I really am tired of coughing non-stop when I wake up in the morning. Its getting to the point where I don't even enjoy smoking its more or less I do it because I'm addicted. NOT ANYMORE!!! 2012 was a horrible year for me...again I know everyone has said that, but it really has. And I'm sure there are people who have an even harder year than I have, but the events that when on throughout this past year made me realize how strong I still am and made me stronger than what ...

I don't know what to feel, think, say, or do anymore. I understand marriages have hardships, but I hate that I take one little fight and blow it way out of proportion. At the time I think it's the best thing to do...just let it all off my chest, but the next day I regret it. It's like drunk texting. You know you shouldn't be texting what you're texting but you do it anyway...and regret it the next day. I'm living with someone who doesn't want to look at me now. In a sense I guess I was right last night, he isn't happy. The biggest issue I have over all of this...without going into the blowout of the argument because I don't want to relive it, is I shouldn't have to ask you to invite me places, especially when I'm your wife. Regardless if I have to work or not. You know what time I get off and that I always text you right when I'm on my way home. Instead of a "No, I'm not home" text how about a "No, I'm not home...ho...

I've been thinking of my Aunt Rhonda a ton lately. I remember three and a half years ago almost four years ago...I moved into her house to help her out when she was going through chemo. She never asked for anything, but I just knew when she needed my help and how considerate she was when I needed a place to stay. I wish she were here now, I talk about her all the time and I'm sad that Alex met her at her worst. She was so full of life even then, but he would've loved her when she was well. I'm sad that my future children will never get the chance to know her love, her kindness, her faith in God, and her selflessness like I did. The only thing I can do is try to do my best in teaching them that. I know she is watching down on all of us and smiling at all the good things we have accomplished, but I just feel like she was taken too soon. Our time was cut short and I don't think it's fair.

Less than 30 days...and Alex J will officially be home and in my arms. Be prepared for him and I to be attached at the hip, once again. This guy is my best friend and always will be. We've overcome so much within this last year and I've found myself again while he is gone. I'm back to being an independent person (I never knew I lost some of my independence...until I lived 1300 miles away from my family and 8000 away from my significant other). I feel like there is so much to do in the next 30 days and I don't even know where to begin. I know I need to get a move on, on some of these things that need tobe done before he gets home. I want it to be exactly the way he left it back in November. I have to make welcome home signs (one for gate 1, one for the overpass on Academy, one for the garage to the apartment, and one for me to hold while I wait for his arrival).

I realized today that I don't tell my husband I love him enough. I mean he makes sure that he tells me he loves me and misses me everyday while he is gone. Even if that means getting on facebook for five minutes--though he gets in trouble--just to get the chance to message it to me. He spends a shit load of money on minutes for a phone that doesn't work half the time to text it to me if the internet is down. And for some reason I can't seem to tell him more than 'I love you too' or 'I miss you too, babe.' Does that make me a bad wife? I love him with all of my heart and with my insecurities I feel that he is going to leave me because I don't express how I feel. He knows I have a hard time dealing with my feelings. I have a huge security wall up and he's been the only one to break through it. Although, he's broken through it I still can't accept compliments from him. On a different note, as much as I want to finish school and get it over with ...

So I'm not quite sure when I last posted....so if anything I say is repeated....MY BAD! Alex came home from R&R. We had a great time. It was definitely harder to say good-bye the second time. I was prepared the first time to say good-bye. This time it was just like a slap in the face at how quick those two weeks went. I cried for two days straight and developed pink eye I would assume in my left eye from crying and sleeping, then crying and sleeping some more in my contacts. As much as I was hoping to get pregnant during this time I am not, sadly. Alex says it's because I want it so bad. I don't think that's the case at all. I seriously think it's because of my bad habit of smoking cigarettes. Which has become my New Years Resolution and I am going to the doctor the first week in February to see what the hell is up. I'll be a month free of nicotine...hopefully...and maybe I will get some answers. Not to mention, when you have baby fever it's kind of ha...

You decided to ween your way back into my life again. I thought I was rid of you, but turns out I'm not. There is nothing I can do to make me stop being jealous of this girl. She's over there with my husband and has been for the past six months. She gets to see him pretty much every day. Now she wants to post pictures on facebook with him. It's like a slap in the face. She knows I can't stand her ass, and given the history of him and her I'm sure she's thinking that the past is going to repeat itself. She can think that all she wants, but I'm not like his ex. I will put up a fight. That is all I guess.