I'm frustrated and I'm trying so hard not to be.
I know that if I need help to just say something, but I shouldn't HAVE to say 'I need help.' Like seriously...this is your child too. Instead my frustration is shown to my son. NO! Do NOT get that confused with taken out on my son!!! I would never put my hands on my child in an abusive way. What I mean by that is he can sense my frustration and in turn, he acts on it. He feels frustrated, upset, sad etc. Everything that his mother is feeling....he starts to feel.

So again...why don't I say something? Because I lack communication. I can't seem to get the words out right. I end up yelling or get even more frustrated and then he feels like I'm belittling him and then I feel guilty. So then the cycle continues.

The only way I feel better I guess is by putting it down on 'paper'. I know he senses my frustration I just wish he would realize that its towards him. We've been together for 7 years, I…

Messy Bun Crochet Beanie Pattern


Yesterday, my facebook BLEW UP with friends posting a picture of a crocheted Beanie with a messy bun sticking out....on my wall asking "Can you make this?" "OMG! How much would you charge me if you made this?" "I would buy 3 of these if you made them"
I woke up this morning determined to make something similar to this beanie. So I did.

I only have a written pattern (down below) I have not made a photo pattern because I have a 3 month old and am surprised that I even finished it today.


Messy Bun Crochet Beanie Pattern--UPDATED 12/19/16

Materials Used
Worsened Weight Yarn #4
5.5mm Hook

Stitches Used
Half Double Crochet--HDC
Double Crochet--DC
Treble Crochet--TC
Cross Stitch--Skip st, Treble stitch in next st; Cross back going in front of Treble stitch just made, and Treble stitch in skipped st.
Front Post Double Crochet--

36 Weeks Pregnant!

Yes, I am!
After six years, Alex and I were finally blessed with a little one. A little boy to be exact.

We found out 4 days before Christmas 2015, and told our parents that night. It was their Christmas present.
First Ultrasound was at 10 weeks. His heartbeat was 157 bpm and as much as I wanted a girl, I knew from the moment I saw the ultrasound he was a boy.
Two weeks later...we let Lucky make the announcement to the world.
After, the world knew..Alex and I made a trip to Michigan for the last time until the big move back in May. Once back in Kansas, Alex left for 7 weeks to recruiting school.

When he left I was 14 weeks...when he came back I was 22 weeks. It was a huge difference.

The nice thing about Alex coming home, besides the fact that I missed him terribly, was that that was the same week we would find out if we were Team Pink or Team Blue. The day of our 22 week ultrasound, I had to drink 1 Liter of water within a half hour 1 1/2 hours before my appointment. Did I mention, I…

A year ago today....

I wrote this two days after Jake passed away, but wanted to share it with you all today...on the 1 year remembrance of his life taken from us. 
I wanted to read it at the funeral, but in the midst of everything going on forgot to bring it with me. Some of these questions have been answered within this year, but the others will remain unanswered forever. 
June 28, 2014
I can't believe you're gone! I'm still waiting for a facebook status/snapchat/text/call saying "Haha! I GOT YOU ALL!!" Let's face it Jake you were quite the jokester. I didn't realize how much of an impact you had on our ENTIRE TOWN until this happened. The person that killed you has NO IDEA the grief they caused. I hate this person with a passion and I would LOVE to seek revenge on them. An eye for an eye right? I know that would get me no where and would do more harm than good.  I never imagined I would experience the loss of my best friend...especially the loss of you. There are so many r…

Talking with God

So the past few nights I've had problems falling asleep. I tried all the usual positions that tend to make me fall asleep. Nope. None worked. I found that it wasn't until I was talking with God, that I would fall asleep. Usually, I fell asleep while talking to him. Though I know he doesn't respond verbally I'm waiting for him to respond. I've always been strong in my faith of him, never doubted him, questioned some of his decisions with people I've lost, but all the while never lost faith. However, I never felt praying was necessary. When I was younger, I thought it was dumb to be honest let's recite these words and say Amen after them because that's clever. Okay, so maybe necessary isn't the term I should use...I never felt praying was useful...better? I never saw the point in "talking" to God without getting a verbal I never did it.

Due to the life changing events that have happened within the past six months (loss of my be…

Little Town..Full of Little People...

Well first things first...(look at me dropping lyrics left and right from songs lol). Alex and I no longer reside in Colorado. He was transferred to Fort Riley in Kansas. After 7 long years he said good-bye to Fort Carson and finishing up his Army career here. There are a few things that I need to mention about this life changing event. The move, the house, the town, and Fort Riley.

The Move
Super hectic. I gave myself a month to pack everything just in case we weren't able to have the Army move us, which surprise surprise we couldn't. I didn't find that out until two weeks before we were to be out of the apartment. This is where I should have came up with a plan. Me and plans haven't always seen eye to eye. I would plan on packing this room up one day only to be distracted by another room that needed fixing or laundry folded so it could be packed or getting rid of those god awful clothes that I haven't wore in 6 months (only for them to be mixed up with the bags of…