Beauty In The Breakdown..

So I'm not quite sure when I last posted....so if anything I say is repeated....MY BAD!
Alex came home from R&R. We had a great time. It was definitely harder to say good-bye the second time. I was prepared the first time to say good-bye. This time it was just like a slap in the face at how quick those two weeks went. I cried for two days straight and developed pink eye I would assume in my left eye from crying and sleeping, then crying and sleeping some more in my contacts.
As much as I was hoping to get pregnant during this time I am not, sadly. Alex says it's because I want it so bad. I don't think that's the case at all. I seriously think it's because of my bad habit of smoking cigarettes. Which has become my New Years Resolution and I am going to the doctor the first week in February to see what the hell is up. I'll be a month free of nicotine...hopefully...and maybe I will get some answers. Not to mention, when you have baby fever it's kind of hard to get rid of. Sure, I could say "Meh, if it happens, it happens" all I want but seriously deep down I'm still thinking "I wonder if I'm ovulating today?" "I bet this is the time we made a baby." Really though after this last period and being so angry with God about it I think I cured myself of baby fever....until Alex gets home I'm sure.

Anyway what I really wanted to vent about was this.
Alex is getting out of the Army in October of this year and wants to move BACK to our home state of Michigan. I don't think I want to do it. My whole life I have always wanted to get out of Michigan and now that I finally have I don't ever want to go back. I'm happy here, don't get me wrong I miss my family and friends most of the time, but who doesn't when they live a million miles away. I've explained this to him several times and he still has it set in his mind that he wants to move back. I'm proud of what he wants to do when he gets back, but there is nothing there for ME anymore. The only family I talk to is my dad's side of the family and my brother and sister. I want nothing to do with my mom and I am scared that if I live closer to her I am going to fall back into her web of lies that she had me tangled in for 22 years. Alex swears that it won't happen, but I still think 'what if?'

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